Anthony Robbins' Six Steps to Emotional Mastery

 You may recall from my last post that I am rereading the book Awakening the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. I want to share today another part that has stood out to me in this book. In chapter 11, Robbins talk about emotional mastery, that is, to strengthen our ability to control our emotions rather than letting them control us. He shares with us the six steps to emotional mastery, which I would like to discuss here.

Six Steps to Emotional Mastery

Step one is to identify what you are really feeling

When we are emotional, often it can be hard to pick out and articulate what the emotion actually is. Robbins phrases it as "all [we] know is that [we're] being 'attacked' by all these negative emotions and feelings." The first step is to identify exactly what we are feeling. How do we do that? We have to force ourselves to take a step back and ask, "What am I really feeling right now?" Sometimes we can misinterpret our emotions. Robbins gives an example of feeling rejected. Is there another emotion that better describes what you are feeling? Are you actually just feeling separation, loneliness, disappointment, or even just a little uncomfortable? My last post was about the way we talk to ourselves and the words that we use. Remember that when describing how we feel.

Step two is to Acknowledge and Appreciate Your Emotions, Knowing They Support You

Here, Robbins makes it very clear that we never want to label our emotions as "wrong". Our emotions are here to support us. They are a call to action, signals that things aren't quite right. Even if you don't like the way they feel, or don't understand them, they are there to help you, to push you toward positive change. "Cultivate the feeling of appreciation for all emotions, and like a child that needs attention, you'll find your emotions 'calming down' almost immediately." Our emotions do not heal or go away if we ignore them or try to push them down. They don't stop if we tell ourselves that they are wrong or that "I shouldn't be feeling this way." These often make the emotion more intense. Instead, we need to acknowledge the emotion, and then move on to the next step.

Step three is to Get Curious about the Message This Emotion is Offering You

Above I mentioned that our emotions are calls to action. Negative emotions are there to push us to make positive changes and growth. To know what changes need to be made, we first need to understand the message the emotion is offering us. Robbins has four questions we can ask ourselves to help us understand the messages our emotions have for us:

1. What do I really want to feel?
2. What would I have to believe in order to feel the way I've been feeling?
3. What am I willing to do to create a solution and handle this right now?
4. What can I learn from this?

Once we identify the messages, we can figure out solutions. Once have solutions, we can behind to make those positive changes mentioned before.

Step four is to Get Confident

If you've ever felt this emotion before, or a similar one, then you already know that you can get through it. I'm going to diverge a little from Robbins here and quote Viktor Frankl: "Pain is only bearable if we know it will end, not if we deny it exists." This maybe seem like it belongs in step two, but I'm putting it here because the point is to remember that emotions are temporary, and we will get past them. Many people get caught in the mental trap of thinking their current emotional state is never ending. Some emotions may last a while, but we must know that we can get through them. Robbins states that the best way he knows of to handle an emotion is to think of a time you have felt that same or a similar emotion before and remember how you got through it. You've successfully handled it before, you can do it again now, and perhaps even better since last time. 

Step five is to Get Certain You Can Handle This Not Only Today, But in the Future as Well

Create a plan for handling this emotion in the future. Rehearse the plan so you know what to do next time. Perhaps even write it down or save it as a note in your phone. This step contributes to your confidence in step four for next, but also your overall confidence as you build up the certainty and knowledge that you can handle your emotions in the future. 

Step six is to Get Excited, and Take Action

Robbins says that the final step is to "get excited about the fact that you can easily handle this emotion, and take some action right away to prove that you've handled it." Here is where we take action to create positive change as we've been talking about all along here. What message did you receive from your emotions in step three? What changes can you make to help move you toward more positive emotions? Perhaps most importantly, keep top of mind that you now have the tools you need to handle your emotions.

With these six steps, we can identify our emotions and the messages they have for us. We can create a plan for handling them and feel confident that we'll get past them in the future. Our emotions will no longer control us, we will learn to control them instead. The process may be long and arduous, you may fail several times before really getting the hang of it but keep trying and you will succeed. Self-improvement takes time. Be patient with yourself and take it one step at a time. You can do it.

How You Talk to Yourself Matters

 I have recently been rereading a book I received a long time ago called Awakening the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. The book was given to me about 16 years ago by a successful businessman I was working with at the time. I did not take advantage of the situation and failed to learn the most important lessons from the businessman. Additionally, I read only the first couple of chapters of the book and promptly stacked it with my many other unread or partially read books. Now that I am old enough to appreciate what I should have (and wish I had) learned back then, this book has finally piqued my interest.

One of the things Robbins hits on hard early in the book, and especially in Chapters 8 and 9, is the idea that the way we talk to ourselves matters. Most of us have an inner monologue, and sometimes we even like to think out loud. Robbins encourages us to be aware of the language that we are using in these instances. In chapter 8 he discusses the questions we ask ourselves, and in chapter 9 he discusses the words we use to describe things. Here are just a couple of things that stood out to me from the book.

Our Questions Guide Our Thought Processes

The questions that we ask ourselves determine the direction our thought processes go when looking at a situation. Consider this quote:

"Some men see things as they are, and say, 'Why?' I dream of things that never were, and say, 'Why not?'" -George Bernard Shaw

 Shaw is a well-known playwright. He wrote not by asking himself what has been done? but by asking what can be done? In a similar fashion, when faced with a problem, we can ask ourselves questions in a way that expands our thinking. If something breaks at work, instead of asking "why did this happen?" what if we asked, "how can we fix this, so it doesn't happen again?" Next time you lose something, instead of asking "why am I so forgetful?" How about asking "where have I been in the past two days?" The idea is to prime our brain to look for solutions rather that fixating on the problem. Some people get stuck on the "why me?" or terminate their thought process with "I just have bad luck." It is better to ask questions that keep you moving toward a solution.

This chapter reminded me of a concept used in the Army for improvement called the after-action review (AAR). After any sort of drill, exercise, or operation, the Army unit will conduct an AAR. There is an expanded version of the AAR, but most of the time I've seen and used the condensed version. In this version, we put four columns up on a whiteboard. The first is "what was supposed to happen?", the second is "What actually happened?", third is "What should we sustain?", and fourth is "What can we improve?". The entire unit participates in filling out these columns and the feedback received is used to improve future operations. It is simple, but continually asking these questions can have a massive positive effect on things going forward.

The Words That We Use Affect Our Feelings

In chapter 9, Robbins talks about the importance of the words that we use to describe situations, feelings, and even objects. How often do you ask someone how they are and hear a monotonous, flat "fine"? You may notice that the mood in the situation immediately flops. Contrast that to the person who smiles and responds with a perky "Great!" or even a dramatic "Fan-freaking-tastic!" The mood immediately skyrockets and you can't help returning a smile. You feel warm and friendly toward this person right away. This doesn't have to be limited to our interactions with other people. The words we use with ourselves are equally important. When your alarm goes off in the morning, do you immediately think "uhhhgg....not again"? This is a negatively charged statement that is setting you up for a negative attitude for the rest of the day, and the day hasn't even started yet! Try this for a week: as soon as your alarm goes off, think "wooo! Time for another freaking amazing day!" Heck, belt it out loud! (just try not to bother your spouse 😬) Put as much enthusiasm as you can muster, plus a little extra, behind it. This positively charged statement sets your attitude up for a more positive day. 

Be Careful How You Speak to Yourself

As you can see, it is important that we are keenly aware of how our self-talk affects us. The questions that we ask ourselves guide our thought processes and can lead us down nasty rabbit holes if we are not careful. Ask questions that lead you toward solutions instead. Change up your vocabulary to use words with more positive connotations and enthusiasm. Is that thing just "cool" or is it "awesome", "freaking amazing", or "supremely marvelous"? Instead of calling something a "failure", try using "set-back" or "speedbump" to indicate that it is something temporary you can get past. Humans are resilient and anti-fragile. We bounce back in marvelous and awe-inspiring ways. We accomplish that by talking to ourselves in the right ways.