How You Talk to Yourself Matters

 I have recently been rereading a book I received a long time ago called Awakening the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. The book was given to me about 16 years ago by a successful businessman I was working with at the time. I did not take advantage of the situation and failed to learn the most important lessons from the businessman. Additionally, I read only the first couple of chapters of the book and promptly stacked it with my many other unread or partially read books. Now that I am old enough to appreciate what I should have (and wish I had) learned back then, this book has finally piqued my interest.

One of the things Robbins hits on hard early in the book, and especially in Chapters 8 and 9, is the idea that the way we talk to ourselves matters. Most of us have an inner monologue, and sometimes we even like to think out loud. Robbins encourages us to be aware of the language that we are using in these instances. In chapter 8 he discusses the questions we ask ourselves, and in chapter 9 he discusses the words we use to describe things. Here are just a couple of things that stood out to me from the book.

Our Questions Guide Our Thought Processes

The questions that we ask ourselves determine the direction our thought processes go when looking at a situation. Consider this quote:

"Some men see things as they are, and say, 'Why?' I dream of things that never were, and say, 'Why not?'" -George Bernard Shaw

 Shaw is a well-known playwright. He wrote not by asking himself what has been done? but by asking what can be done? In a similar fashion, when faced with a problem, we can ask ourselves questions in a way that expands our thinking. If something breaks at work, instead of asking "why did this happen?" what if we asked, "how can we fix this, so it doesn't happen again?" Next time you lose something, instead of asking "why am I so forgetful?" How about asking "where have I been in the past two days?" The idea is to prime our brain to look for solutions rather that fixating on the problem. Some people get stuck on the "why me?" or terminate their thought process with "I just have bad luck." It is better to ask questions that keep you moving toward a solution.

This chapter reminded me of a concept used in the Army for improvement called the after-action review (AAR). After any sort of drill, exercise, or operation, the Army unit will conduct an AAR. There is an expanded version of the AAR, but most of the time I've seen and used the condensed version. In this version, we put four columns up on a whiteboard. The first is "what was supposed to happen?", the second is "What actually happened?", third is "What should we sustain?", and fourth is "What can we improve?". The entire unit participates in filling out these columns and the feedback received is used to improve future operations. It is simple, but continually asking these questions can have a massive positive effect on things going forward.

The Words That We Use Affect Our Feelings

In chapter 9, Robbins talks about the importance of the words that we use to describe situations, feelings, and even objects. How often do you ask someone how they are and hear a monotonous, flat "fine"? You may notice that the mood in the situation immediately flops. Contrast that to the person who smiles and responds with a perky "Great!" or even a dramatic "Fan-freaking-tastic!" The mood immediately skyrockets and you can't help returning a smile. You feel warm and friendly toward this person right away. This doesn't have to be limited to our interactions with other people. The words we use with ourselves are equally important. When your alarm goes off in the morning, do you immediately think "uhhhgg....not again"? This is a negatively charged statement that is setting you up for a negative attitude for the rest of the day, and the day hasn't even started yet! Try this for a week: as soon as your alarm goes off, think "wooo! Time for another freaking amazing day!" Heck, belt it out loud! (just try not to bother your spouse 😬) Put as much enthusiasm as you can muster, plus a little extra, behind it. This positively charged statement sets your attitude up for a more positive day. 

Be Careful How You Speak to Yourself

As you can see, it is important that we are keenly aware of how our self-talk affects us. The questions that we ask ourselves guide our thought processes and can lead us down nasty rabbit holes if we are not careful. Ask questions that lead you toward solutions instead. Change up your vocabulary to use words with more positive connotations and enthusiasm. Is that thing just "cool" or is it "awesome", "freaking amazing", or "supremely marvelous"? Instead of calling something a "failure", try using "set-back" or "speedbump" to indicate that it is something temporary you can get past. Humans are resilient and anti-fragile. We bounce back in marvelous and awe-inspiring ways. We accomplish that by talking to ourselves in the right ways.